Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Mans Chest

Being the middle child in any family is a miserable thing indeed, the first born is confident and strong, they get to do everything first and are admired and loved for it, the last child is protected, and comforted, always getting away with things and is seen as the “baby”, but, alas, the middle child has a raw fucking deal indeed, constantly vying for the parents attention with more and more extravagant stunts and schemes, constantly and needlessly measuring there self worth against their siblings.

I think that POTC: Dead Mans Chest will turn out to be the middle child of the franchise: the plot is over long and needlessly complicated - it was filmed at the same time as the sequel and at some points it feels that the editors had mixed some of the cans and accidentally edited in scenes from the next film, I really don’t know why they bothered at all, lets be honest no one really came for the plot, we came for (Capt.) Jack Sparrow, the film could have been called “Jack Sparrow has an early night” and we still would have turn up in our (record breaking) droves to see it. And yes I AM a little gay for Johnny Depp, but hetro-crushes on Johnny Depp are vanilla missionary now a days that it would probably be gayer NOT to want to fuck him.

I think the controversial decision to replace Orlando Bloom with a marionette puppet really paid off, you would have thought after spending all that money on CGI to turn Bill Nighly’s face into a squid, they would have shelled out a couple of quid to CGI some emotion onto Orlandos face. Kira Knightly does an adequate job as the chick but is everyone else bored of the “feisty” woman character that seems the staple in every movie since the 60’s? I’m not the biggest women’s libber but I don’t think that replacing one stereotype with another is progress.

But many a buckle is swashed and the set pieces are funny and impressive in the right places, the sets are worth a mention. Back in the golden age of cinema, a films worth was measured in how lavish the sets are, no CGI for them, oh no. To film Lord of the Rings in the 30’s would have cost billions of pounds, “the battle of Helms Deep” would have involved the producers paying the city of Manchester to dress up and launch a surprise attack on nearby Hull, and Golem would have been produced by buying a retarded orphan, shaving all the hair from his body and after a savage and clinical beating throwing him in front of the camera, having the existing actors improvise round his ramblings. Here the sets are exquisite, old school lavish.

Work commitments and a general hatred of crowds meant that by the time I got to see this movie I was bouncing up and down from a mixture of pick and mix sugar and genuine excitement, and I wasn’t disappointed. I was unsatisfied, but not disappointed. My biggest criticism is that it just doesn’t end, it doesn’t wrap any thing up, in a Empire Strikes Back, Two Towers kinda way, which in essence makes it just a two and a half hour trailer for the next film, a entertaining and funny trailer but a trailer none the less.

It did make me rum thirsty though.