Friday, March 18, 2005

the customer is always.....a moron

I have worked in pubs and bars, on and off, since I was old enough to do so and it can be the best job in the world. There is something almost mystical about the state of mind I get when everything is ‘clicking’ and going right in the middle of a busy night. Every flip is caught, no movement is wasted, its as if I have, at that point, more hands than Vishnu and where-ever I put them is the object I need. In fact would be perfect if it wasn’t for one thing…… customers, don’t get me wrong, I like people I can have a laugh flirt and joke with people all night. It’s just that customers are loathsome and vile pigfucks with jelly for brains and the manners of Vikings.

Next time your at the bar remember I hate you if you-

- to get the bar staffs attention you whoop, shout or tap coins on the bar, that’s just plain rude but the worst two are, clicking your fingers and whistling. I am neither your colonial manservant or pet so unless you want to be ignored or assaulted stop

- Reel off your order while I am already serving someone else just because I made the mistake of making eye contact with you. Guess what? I don’t actually hear your lame alchofix order, what I hear is “I am a moron with limited social skills, serve at least three customers before me”. Seriously people who are definitely not next almost exclusively do this and all the bar staff knows it, and now you know we know.

- Order






That shits more painful than dentistry, give us some credit.

- Be none specific, we do actually get customers come to the bar and order “larger” IF YOU DID HAVE A BRAIN I STILL WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO FUCKING READ IT YOU PRICK, FANCY GIVING ME A CLUE ABOUT WHICH FUCKING TYPE, WHAT FUCKING SIZE AND HOW FUCKING MANY? Three vats’s of Stella? A thimble full of hoegarden?

- Here’s another good one, sometimes a customer will complain about the amount of time they have had to wait but when they do get served they haven’t made up there mind about what they want! At that point bar staff have a choice of (a) wait and smile (b) tut loudly and serve the person next to them. Guess which one I do?

- DON’T pay by card. At all. Ever. Just don’t do it, how hard is it to get your shit together before you come to the pub? And is it worth being hated by everyone in there if you don’t?

- and finally you are a scum bag if you order your drinks, pay for them, and then order some more when being given your change as if you’ve just remembered them, both you me and the rest of the customers know your mate has just handed you the money to get his round in and we all hope you choke and die

Seriously if you guys refrain from doing those simple selfish stupid-ass things I wont have to strap semtex under my uniform and kill the lot of you the next time someone doesn’t order there Guinness first.

a twat yesterday


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