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Tuesday, September 12, 2006

TJKS drinking game

Feeling dirty and broken is the worst part of a hangover, the uneasy sense that I have fucked everything. It's a good job that most of the time, whenever I do have a hangover I have my best mates covered with booze sweat and unconscious scattered round my living room with the chair cushions, left over food and other detritus of a drunken crawl home

On one such morning we were lying around trying to piece together the night before, and the Jeremy Kyle Show omnibus came on TV. For those of you stateside or who have a full time job I will endeavour to explain The Jeremy Kyle Show (TJKS).

TJKS is the worst kind of talk show, with the worst cross section of our society bellowing their ill thought out opinions at each other, this is adjudicated by an unusually confrontational evil eyed skin flap of a man, whose sole purpose is to antagonise the guests into admitting how shit they are, you can see that "Jezza" sees his show as the modern version of the medieval stocks.

But if ever your bored, and laughing at the proles isn't entertaining you as much as it used to, we invented the Jeremy Kyle drinking game (except we never actually played this – even saying the word "drink" was enough to send String from the room being sick) get yourself a big jug of beer and drink if-

* Someone says "at the end of the day" to lend authority to some nonsense opinion.

* Jeremy Kyle raises his voice at the end of a sentence just to make thE CROWD APPLUDE!

* He stares directly into the camera with his weird starey eyes

* Jeremy sits on the edge of the stage in a faux concerned manner

* Whenever a guest is so ugly, in Victorian days they would have lived in a circus eating fish heads

* Someone has a swallow tattoo (drink twice if it's on their neck)

* Someone has really bad teeth

* Someone is wearing Elizabeth Duke jewellery

* Chug the whole thing if someone has got all three of the above

* A guest comes on and moves his/her chair away from someone else in a clumsy visual way of registering their distaste

* A guest storms off

* Jeremy follows them

* Jeremy says one of the following "think of the children" (or somesuch) "bang your heads together" or "national television"

7 Comments:

Blogger Miroslav ranted..

What if Jezza sits on the edge of the stage for the remainder of the show; say...15 minutes? Do I have to drink continuously or count it as one occurance? I'm playing drinking games to Will & Grace...it involves drinking everytime that I fancy one of the male actors. I have a problem.

7:11 PM  
Anonymous Shroom-monkey ranted..

ummmm drinking games......

woke up plenty a times to complete strangers and my panties around my ankles all because of a game of quarters...

I suck at games...

1:17 AM  
Blogger Puck ranted..

chris - you should drink when he sits down, and then take a drink every subsiquant five minutes per concerned sitting

Monkey - you suck at games OR actually awesome, that didnt sound like you lost.

4:17 PM  
Anonymous shroom-monkey ranted..

sometimes I high-five'd myself for scoring a hottie, other times had to commit to the walk of shame I guess I kinda broke even.. I am a slutty drunk....

mmmm sounds like you are to...

6:56 PM  
Blogger Tumuli ranted..

That sounds like "The Jerry Springer Show" here in the States! I've been told drinking games can accompany that, as well...

11:28 PM  
Anonymous JK ranted..

Hey there. Fantastic game! Gotta be tried.

Might even add a couple of other "Jezza catchphrases" of my own like "This is my show", or whenever Graham the show psychologist comes on. Or even everytime Graham says "Significant damage" when referring to an alcoholic's liver.

Or, my personal favourite. "TRUE OR FALSE, YES OR NO?" Aaah yes I am a dirty jobless student.

Long live Jeremy Kyle!

3:59 AM  
Blogger Puck ranted..

i swear to god the other day, every single one of the above happened within the space of five minutes, i shit you not, every single drinking indicator coincided to make a potentially lethal but incredibly funny bit of television. it was like a piss take of itself.

12:10 PM  

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