can'

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

fighting drunk

Gah, well into staff training now, and all this suger sweet touchy feely nonsense has sapped my energy levels to the last dregs. Team building? to me a night in a bar getting fighting drunk and cross eyed is worth 50 hours of standing on boxes and sharing "feelings". If i was honest in one of thoses sessions, my real feelings, i think, would not only get me fired, but deprted and possibly burnt at the stake.

Talking to the other councillers now and getting excited all over again, me and the other guy who has the same age group have decided to give our bunks themes

hes Pirates

and i (of course) am ninjas

Feel my ultimate power

(which is totally sweet)

Saturday, June 25, 2005

News just in: pucks not dead

Message to friends and family IM FINE, sorry for not being in touch yet but working out the largley arbitary, and needlessly complicated string of number to get through on a telephone is beyond me at the moment.

The camp is as sparsly populated as it is furnished (10 of us at the moment). but thats cool and everybody arrives manyana for a week of training.

Reading back last nights entry i realised i may have sounded a bit morose, nothing could be further from the truth, to re-iterate IM FINE.

******************************************************

George- is a Ukraiian employed to work in the kitchen, what little english he does know was learnt from "some american freinds", who, i suspect, hate him. This could be why he starts every fucking sentance with a sharp "Hey" so all day *cue Borat accent* "HEY, where is lightswitch?" "HEY, what is good word for apple?" "HEY, the bridges here are the same as my country".

I first met him at the orientation, looking lost and wearing a suit and tie in the bright american sunshine (i still havnt worked out why), he needed someone to help him get to the same camp and I obvously was a cruel and evil man in a past life too desrve being saddled with him. Cue two hours of me dragging a sweaty suited Ukrainain round a country i am not a 100% sure of myself, being constantly told "HEY, the tickets you buy, i think they not correct" or "HEY, what langague you speak with that man? you mumble".

i wonder if anyone would miss him if he "dissapeared".

Friday, June 24, 2005

CAMP: Land of the flavoured toothpaste elections

Finally made it to America and I dont know what to write. I refuse this to be the type of travelouge that lays out with monotonous clarity every painful detail and then i did this and then i did that blah blah blah fishcakes. So excuse me if i miss bits i'm pretty sure you guys dont want to know how sweaty my balls got on the filght (lots) or how drunk i got at the airport out of sheer fucking boredom (lots). I am far more busy actally living this experiance to log it. But i know that without some sort of a log i am doomed to forget somethings and edit it all down to one big uber-memory.

Too overwhelmed for coherance, the journey here is a blur of arse numbness, jet-lag cheernes and people i will never meet again. needless to say i made it to orientaion, where i was shunted from one place to another filling out form and what not. although one person has stayed with me, like a dull bruise, his name is George (more about this one later).

As i write this, its about 10pm there time (i wonder how long it will take for this to become my time) i am sitting on plastic furniture on the porch on the grounds of the most basic, rural camps this side of the antartic, i am probley only here because my poor shell-shocked city brain is attaracted to the only lightbulb on, which has become to be a clumsy symbol of the civilistion i have left behind. And im in good company as, like, 47 billion fucking insects are also here doing there pointless bug fight/dance. There is probley a significant poetic point i could wrestle out of the situation, but quite frankly im tired of being bitten.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

high levels of cuteabitly

As I type this my left arm is a dead weight from the tetanus booster I received today, part of the ongoing dreary ball-ache of trying to get my medical forms signed for camp, the details would bore and anger you guys (as they have me) so I wont say any more.

*************************************

I was lucky enough to hold my five day old nephew Monday, the little smackhead was still sometimes shacking from the withdrawal from morphine my sister has to take, lucky enough she went through agony and cut right down a couple of months before he was born (the only decent, unselfish act I’m aware of her ever doing).

Unlike his mother he is adorable in every way right down to the soft down fur on his cheeks.

So *cracks open a beer* Here’s to you Owen, sorry bout the world being a little fucked up in places, it was like that when we got it.

Maybe photos to follow to show the high levels of cuteabitly he possesses.

innaproprate my balls

a good and dear freind sent me an e-mail from work (the same place we both worked, it killed a little peice of my soul) when i sent him my reply all i got was a automatic e-mail from The Man saying it wasnt "buisness orientated" and may have contianed "innaproprate" material. bastards.

its a good thing they cant censor the interweb so here for you Rich is my reply

Rich

Run, dear god run for your precouis life. Say hi to him for me - if he hasnt turned into work obbesesed zombie suit, he used to be cool now he will be there FOR fucking EVER, reminising about the time he nearly went travelling to his corporate clone grankids.

Still up for drinks wendsday night? my fone has been turned off so fone me at ******** and leave a message if im not there (leave your number),

Say hi to the rest of the worker ants for me too give them kisses and hugs and cake or whatever else will get them through another dreary work day.

Stay sane


fight the power

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Weird missives from a sleep deprived booze soldier

As a devout insomniac I find sleep to be a fragile and personal thing, a baffling oxymoron: victory through surrender. This may have been why when on the arduous coach journey home I felt an almost overwheming desire to kiss the sleeping passenger next to me, just a small delicate kiss on her lips, like some deviant prince charming with boundary issues.

I never did it btw.

i need a nap (and a girlfriend)

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Travel tips

*I hate to be one of those backpacker bores telling people things should be like this or you simpley must do that, but I do have to fill this blogg, do you know the pressure im under? DO YOU DO YOU!

Here follow a list of items I found useful while backpacking round Oz, (this was part of a e-mail I sent to a friend thinking about going themselves)*


1. a roll of gaffer tape. An object is never broke, it just hasnt got enough gaffer tape. Some of the worst distasters in the world would have been averted by some quick thinking and a roll of gaffer tape.

2. a pen and a small pad set aside for invaluable but tempory information and insights, the time of the next train, good bars recomended etc, if your memory is anything like mine that sort of short term memory information dissapears as soon as you see a flashing light or intresting couler.

3. popular book, too read, obviously, but when choosing bear in mind that after reading it it is cheaper to swap it with other travellers so books about drugs and/or murder go down better than books about carpets and/or spoons (if you ever find a book about spoon murder or carpet drugs play it safe and keep away)

4. personal cd/stereo, there are two schools of thought on this one, some think that by taking such a thing you missing out on some of the country and peoples company blah blah blah, i say that 70% of poeple turn out to be boring egotists or inescapable chirpy drama student types and if you have to spend x months listening to the chessy shit that gets played at most backpacker places you may end up stabbing someone.

5. a universal plug for sinks,

6. when traveling I have four or five waterproof nylon sacks that separate my clothes, eg t-shirts in one trousers in the other etc, this means if my rucksac leaks my clothes has that extra leavel of protection, and it also means I can pack and unpack easer and find stuff in a hurry

7. there are a varity of travel safes avaliable that you may want to look at, theft does go on its not like that common and its mostly oppertunistic, but bear it in mind. Leave your passport and a bulk of your travellers cheques in the hostel safe, at least take a small padlock as some hostels have lockers

8. don’t forget a sizable collection of drinking games and/or party tricks, for when the inevitable "where you from?" "when'd you get here?" "when you goin back" conversations die on there arse.

9. It helps to have a wholly cavallier attitude towards your matrial possesions, things will get lost or stolen, accept it, build a fucking bridge, get over it, move on. Dont take anything you wouldnt mind losing is my two cents (that includes your favourite T-shirt that some german girl "borrows" and then pisses of to Darwin in next day bitch BITCH BITCH!!)


When your tired or missing home remember that emotions tend to be exaggerated by twenty when your away. Dont give up or think you cant handle it after the first set back, its the stuff that goes wrong that make for the most intresting stories (trust me ive got a load). That goes for “meeting” people as well, by all means play the field, just dont get too involved and give away somthing that you might regret later, like your ticket home/family wedding ring/your dignaty.

While im here;

A Word About OZ Beer

Most ozzy beer is horrid bitter tasting tramps piss, but you will soon get used to it, the best of the lot is Tooheys New and Victoria Bitter (VB) which isnt actually a bitter, beer is served in the sizes
1) a “pot” or “middy” this is what we know as a half but in australia there is no shame in men drinking halves like there is here
2) a Schooner, most places don’t serve bigger than this its about three quarters of a pint
3) some places have started to serve in pints but you will have to ask


So there it is a tiny glimpse of my time in australia, ive filled some space and you’ve got some travel tips, group hugs and horlicks all round

What my fridge told me

Sorry guys, ive been neglecting this place i know, here are my excuses;

1. ive been sleeping much better, my insomnia comes in waves and at the moment i am in one of the good bits

2. ive been hella busy, between finishing the college work, sorting out this America thing and earning the money to do it i havnt had a lot of spare time.

3. my fridge told me you all laugh at me behind my back, critiquing my spelling and saying i have shit hair.

(ok so the last one is made up, the first two seemed so lame they needed help)

I got my mark in the end; it’s a 2:1. I feel kinda bad i did fourteen weeks work in a weekend and still got a better mark than most, my tutor Dave Burrows (or as we call him when he’s not there "the bear" cos he looks like a nice cuddly bear) said that he would like to continue being my tutor next year, which I’m very pleased about.

In other news i am to be an uncle again, this wendsday, we know its going to be a boy and the current thinking is that he’s going to be called Owen. Having proved it is possible to love my nefew without even liking the parent i look forward to Owens somewhat troubled debut and regret having to fly away a week later for three months.

Have no fear I shall be writing the shit out of my journey stateside, having both the will opportunity and the subject matter. In the mean-time you may want to check out my friends blog hmmmmm bloggy , he’s a hate-filled and spiteful lunatic but happens to be my oldest friend, we agree rarely but are held together by the ties of friendship, the handcuffs of a shared twisted humour and a common misanthropy.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

My awesome nephew


"stand and fight ya shower of bastards"

Already smarter than his mom.
Booze is my