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Monday, May 15, 2006

Ungodly slut thugs

Out of nowhere a large and terrible Beast hammers on the taxis window, cracks appear.
"Oi, your not going to leave five women on there own are you?" her face has more in common with an attack dog than a human and I can see strings of slobber form on her chops.

Its 3.00 am and I had been unlucky enough to be let out of work early, unlucky because I hit the streets at the same time as the other 200 or so people leaving the local clubs at the same time; an event referred to by the local door staff as the "Chavalanche", Hurst street is a seething drunk mass that reminds me of a Bosch painting, why does booze regress these idiots so much? All around me I see tears and tantrums, petty squabbles being resolved by the massive police presence.

"Oi" see screams again, and a spray of chip spittle hits the window, I'm shocked but my logic circuits kick in.

"Well, if there's five of you, your hardly on your own" she stares at me blankly "because there's five of you" I add helpfully. My driver glances nervously at the glass as she unleashes a fresh volley of pounding.

"Was they first?" he asks. Coward. in my job I throw out the drunks, argue with the furious, and stare down the crazies on a daily basis, i know how to talk to these people, and so should he.

"Absolutely not" I had been there for twenty minutes surrounded by the worst of human behaviour, too sober to risk broken limbs by wandering in the road to stop a moving taxi by standing stupidly in front of it, you know, the standard way to get a taxi. I look over, the woman truly is a snarling Beast but made ludicrous by the cheap Blues Brothers costume she was falling out of, the cheap plastic hat almost off her head, and the cardboard glasses clutched in her hand reeks of tacky desperation, in fact the whole goddamn street reeks of it, that's why I refuse to get out of the cab. Putting weary steel into my voice I catch my drivers' eye and tell him to drive.

Do I feel bad about leaving 5 women out on the most brightly lit, heavily policed parts of the city at its busiest time? Leaving them to wait at least five more minutes for the next taxi? hell no! For a start I know they will be ok, the police presence on the streets at chucking out time have doubled since the twenty four hour licences came in. And my chivalry gland had been bypassed by a nine hour shift I had just finished. And finally I'm pretty confident those women would be safe in the middle of a Dartmoor prison riot, at night, not only because they had their attack dog with them. But also i think even rapists have a modicum of taste, I suppose the advantage of being a rapist is not having to fuck the Beasts.

P.s. Rape is not funny (unless you rape a clown), but neither is a guilt tripping woman monster calling me all the wankers under the sun because she cant be bothered to wait for a taxi like a reasonable human being.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Reese ranted..

You have a "chivalry gland"? Where exactly is that located? No, wait. I just figured it out. Nevermind.

8:17 PM  
Blogger Puck ranted..

its not what you think, well, actually, it probley is

5:06 PM  
Blogger Reese ranted..

Prolly.

2:31 AM  
Blogger String2010 ranted..

and here's what should have happened...

you wind down window

you spit in her mouth

you wind up window, all the while while maintaining eye contact.

(alternatively, you could have shit up her arse)

2:48 AM  
Blogger Puck ranted..

everything is spit in the mouth with you, docters, policemen, family members.

i really should have Shit Up Her Arse

2:32 PM  

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