Sex tips for the drunk and weird

Five years ago if I would have told you I was sitting in a smoke free pub drinking a cider slush puppy you would have dismissed my rantings for that of a madman’s, and quite possibly punched me in my lunatic head for talking such nonsense.

It’s a strange and terrible world in which we have come to live, filled with both wonder and malevolence; in the same day I learn of fresh terror attacks and child murder, I also discover a drink that I hadn’t before dare dream of. The more worthy amongst you may be horrified at my consumer distraction from things of greater importance by a mere product and I offer no apology. I plan to fiddle while this whole world burns (or floods).

I moved house yesterday with all the inevitable stress and muscle strain that goes with it, a horrible day of negotiating, frayed tempers and lifting. It’s a relief not to be living out of a box any more though. The move had been looming in the near distance for a while like a heavy boat destroying wave waiting to break, and now to be on the other side is a strange light feeling. One aspect that I never planned on was letting my housemates see exactly how crazy I am, everything has to be in its place, I get very agitated when things aren’t in their place. Not quite OCD but enough that I am uncomfortable, as I type this I am nervously eyeing the newspaper that I bought into my bedroom, this make me uneasy because a newspaper, in my head, is a downstairs thing and downstairs things do NOT belong upstairs.

I am entrenched in a pub away from the torrential rain, which – I believe the scientific name for it – is shitting it down, which rather neatly brings to my next subject; bizarre sexual practices. For some week now I have been threatening to “Moose” my girlfriend while not telling her what moosing actually is. This means, because of her inquiries, most of the girls in my acquaintance are quite anxious to find out. So here is a list of sexual acts that may or may not be real and I may or may not have done.

Worming or Oculolinctus: The act of licking a partner's eyeball.

The Houdini: This almost mythic manoeuvre requires some planning and a great deal of luck, the man that actually pulls this off will carried on the shoulders of others men and proclaimed the winner. The gentleman in question must be taking his girlfriend (or boyfriend, it IS the 21 century after all) from behind with her looking out of window, he then stealthily swaps with a friend without the partner noticing and slips out of the room, he must then run outside and casually walk past the window waving at her (preferably at the point of climax).

Moosing: Again while enjoying the “doggy” position the gentleman places his outstretched hands, palms forward, either side of his partners head, so they look like antlers.

Next time – The German Snowplough, the Sloppy waffle, and the Screaming Seagull.