A cynic seer

The jukebox has just started playing "everlong" by Foo Fighters and for some reason, behind my eyes, tears are starting to form and a lump the size of a golf ball has appeared in my throat, I'm in a quite corner of an obscure pub feeling old, tired and deflated. Sleep has never been easy for me, I remember my first night completely without sleep, I was seven and it was Christmas eve, its weird but I still get exactly the same feelings on sleepless nights now as I did all the way back then: the bed being really uncomfortable, repetitive snippets of random thoughts constantly on loop, frustrated anger rising like bile to my mouth.

On the big screen is the children's TV classic "chucklevision" I'm not sure why the management have decided to ignore the world cup in favour of the bumbling adventures of two identically dressed, middle aged child perverts (see picture), but I have to admit the change is refreshing. Not that anyone else would notice; the only other customers is the pair playing pool, and they're too busy flirting and being so wretchedly happy in there bloody couple bubble. They are only in their teens and have no idea how badly there relationship will end. But I do, in all there little gestures, glances and tics I can see it all play out in front of me as clear as a soap opera. It is apparant he is far more into her than she is into him, this after a while will stop massaging her rock bottom self esteem and so she will seek attention elsewhere, she'll end up fucking the first guy she meets as long as she thinks he is out of her league and buys her enough booze for her to be able to say "the drink did it", later that same night she will phone this poor baggy trousered bozo up, a mascara streaked snot nosed phone call, for face sake he will pretend to lose his temper, petulantly punch a wall, and take her back.

Does knowing this make me feel any better? Not really, it makes me feel hopeless and tired. Tired or Wired have been the background of my life. Never more so than the last summer which I spent on Bear Mountain NY looking after underprivileged kids from New Jersey. Last night, out of boredom and nostalgia, I went through the blog entries and fixed the spelling, grammar etc

they start in the archive HERE continue throughout THIS month and finish near the top HERE
i did spend ages getting these ok so please check em out if you've the time.